Aidpage

Just told my two youngest (9 and 12) that we were getting a divorce.  I think it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  One of those before and after moments:  life for them in an instant is completely changed from what it was before we told them about the divorce.  I will never forget the look on their faces.  They thought everything was getting better and we shattered that.

I found out less than 2 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with my brother's (just became) ex wife.  He says it wasn't really anything serious, more of a comfort thing. Yeah, okay.

 He still blames me for everything: his drinking, screwing up the kids, and ultimately, his desire for a divorce.  Apparently, its all my fault.  Sucked as a wife, mother and all around human being. 

I found some things that he has written down regarding his feelings towards me and this whole situation.  He somehow perceives himself as being the victim.  He has worked 60 hour weeks, been a cheerful hardworking father, mowed the grass, done things with the kids, gotten them to go outside, cooked them healthy meals, blah, blah, blah.  Apparently, I haven't done anything according to him but spend HIS money.

Reality:  up until 5 months ago, he was a drunk.  5 years ago he got kicked out of his family business (the buyout is what we have been living on since he hasn't made enough to support us- almost done, then nothing); spent 9 months drinking from morning until night (while we were undergoing a major house renovation that we had begun out of necessity, which I had to do completely by myself, from start to finish); was angry and scary around the kids and they did not want to be around him; would drive them around drunk constantly while I was unaware until after the fact;for years he did not even cut the grass let alone do anything else around the house; has, since being sober approx 5 months tried to portray himself as the hardworking, ever suffering, wonderful father; has cooked bratwurst, steaks and burgers as his "healthy" meals which the kids don't want to eat; and has basically minimized all damage he has done while blaming me for as much of it as he can.

 Okay, I know I am not perfect.  Who is?  But I am aware and own up to my imperfections.  The deterioration of our marriage was both of our faults. However, I had to be the only responsible parent during his drunken years.  There wasn't anybody else.  I think he resents that.  He resents that he couldn't immediately reenter our family life as a husband, father and be respected.  Somehow he didn't understand that respect had to be earned back and it wasn't a quick process.  He said that he quit drinking and therefore he "changed".  That the reason he decided he wanted a divorce is because I didn't "change".  To this day, I still have no awareness of what that change is suppose to be.  I also realize (been to a few alanon meetings) that it doesn't matter what he says.  It only matters what I do.

 This whole process is hard and scary.  Wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have 4 kids but being  virtually unemployed (been trying to find a full time job for a long time because real estate isn't profitable enough for me right now) and trying to wrap my brain around how we are going to blow a bunch of money that we don't have on attorneys and two households is utterly terrifying.

I feel like I have let my kids down.  How can I be 50 years old and not have the means to support them?  I know it doesn't do any good to beat myself up (my husband has done enough of that, emotionally, as it is) but its hard to feel good about myself when I can't even get a mortgage or pay rent.

I know what I am going through is ridiculously common.  I guess I should take some comfort in that.  Other people have gone through this and they are okay.  Maybe not at first, but eventually they are okay.

I have no idea if anybody will read this but I know that just writing it makes me feel better so anybody out there who takes the time to read my ramblings, I really, really, appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you.  I know there is truth to what you say.

 I read other people's troubles here and I feel like this is nothing.  There are always other people worse off.

Just scared about what lays ahead.

We are probably more fortunate than most in that we have some, not a lot, but at least some equity in the house.

 My main overriding, all consuming fear is the inability to get a lease or mortgage with no steady employment history.  His income can't support the one household, let alone two. 

 My oldest daughter is in college, have 4 kids to still support and I need to find a place for us to live.  Even if they were willing (doubtful) to live with him, his hours mean that he is away from home too much and he really can't take care of them.

 I love real estate, but I have to have a steady income.  The worst of my issues would be solved by a decent job.  Hard for a middle aged woman so long out of the job market and so much competition out there.

 Thank you for listening and your thoughts.

I am the mother of 4, ages 9-18.

For the last 10 years of my 27 year marriage, my husband drank alcoholically.  Especially nightmarish for me because I grew up with an alcoholic dad, never would have married an alcoholic let alone have 4 kids by him.  He started drinking when I was pregnant with our 4th.

He has been 5 months sober and has turned his rage on me.  Everything is my fault, our financial situation (not good), the kids anger towards him, even the fact that he drank in the first place. 

This morning he announced to me that he is going to force me to sell our house and divorce.  We rebuilt this house about 5 years ago, I put blood, sweat and tears into this house.  Have lived here 20 years.  But worse...

I have no regular income.  Have tried to be a real estate agent for the last 1 1/2 years (after staying at home with the kids for 16 years).  I knew it was a tough time in real estate but I also knew that it had the potential to one day make decent income, especially for someone who has been out of the job market for so long.  I also liked the flexible hours so that I could be here for the kids when needed.

I have made barely enough money to cover the costs of this business.  I have been looking for other jobs but I live in NJ, one of the most costly states to live and there's very little there, certainly not enough to pay rent or get a mortgage.

 We are luckier than most, our mortgage isn't yet upside down but he doesn't make enough to support one household, let alone two.

 Anybody out there have a job for a very intelligent, quick learning middle aged mom of 4?  I worked for a number of years in a human resources department at a school/special hospital and for a few years as a research analyst for a defense contractor.  Not sure I would desire to go back to either field but I also know that I really can't be picky at this point.  I love learning new things and usually pick up new skills very quickly.

I would love to use my RE license, I really do love this business and it breaks my heart to have to leave it but I need something that will supply steady income and this isn't working out that way.